So What's Next?

Well, quite honestly, I have no plans for a new project at this moment.  I have another story that needs finishing and then we will see what kind of muse rears its head.  But I HAVE duly noted that many of you are interested in the Richie/Denny story.  Others don't seem to care about the female lead as long as Richie is involved.  I have also duly noted that you don't want this to be the last of Tony & Lilah.  If there's anything else you would like to suggest, you know where the comment box, my inbox and my Twitter account are.  :o)

To those of you who said it doesn't matter WHO I write,because you'll still read it: that's greatest compliment you could ever pay me, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'll let you know when something new comes along.  Until then, if you aren't already reading it, please feel free to check out After the Rain.

Suckerpoodles to everyone!

♥blush

Epilogue

Christmas 2012

(Sixteen Months Later)

“I love you.”

Lilah craned her neck to smile up at him and leaned into the strong arm encircling her waist.  Those three words thrilled her today just as much as they did the first time she heard them, well over a year ago.  To her never-ending delight, not a day went by that he didn’t say them, and not a moment went by that, if she was within arm’s reach, he wasn’t touching her in some way, shape or form.

When Tony Bongiovi gave his heart, he gave it all and Lilah considered herself exceptionally blessed to be on the receiving end.

“I love you, too.”

Not that it had been an idyllic journey from that hospital emergency room to where they stood now, in the home of Tony’s parents.  For every light on the elegantly decorated Christmas tree in the Bongiovi living room, there had been a problem to resolve, a decision to make or a compromise to negotiate.  Some were easier than others, but they all shared a common thread of love, respect and honesty.

As any couple developing a relationship, there were some basic hurdles to jump, starting with family.  In Lilah’s case that really meant Joanna and Andrew, because her parents weren’t really involved in her daily life, and her extended family tended to go with the flow. 

When her son met Tony for the first time, he stepped up to shake the older man’s hand with his jaw firmly squared and not a drop of fear in his eyes. “I don’t care about your bank account or how many celebrities you know.  You hurt my mother and I will make sure that pain is reciprocated.  Exponentially.”

Lilah had held her breath, almost worried that he would laugh in the teenager’s face, but Tony nodded respectfully and without a trace of humor.  “That’s exactly what I’d expect, but you don't have to worry about it.  On my word."

And just like that, the two most important men in her life came to a mutual understanding that created a foundation on which they could bond.  They respected one another.  She couldn’t have asked for anything more. 

As for the other side of that family coin, Tony’s parents were warm and welcoming.  So were Dorothea, her children, and Matt and his family.  Jon, however…

“Did you make those cookies I like?” the man in question asked, turning sideways to slip from the living room to the kitchen before his wife caught him making his third trip since the end of dinner.  Typically stringent about what he ate, he was using the holiday as an excuse to indulge.  “The cinnamon ones?”

“Snickerdoodles,” Lilah patiently supplied for probably the dozenth time.  It turned out that he had a vicious sweet tooth for cookies, and it had been love at first bite with her snickerdoodles.  He just couldn't – or had no desire to – remember what they were called.  “And of course I did.  They’re in the bowl with the red lid.”

She and Jon had come to an understanding very similar to that of Tony and Andrew.  They both loved Tony enough to find some common ground, and that ground held her promise not to hurt his brother.  Thus, the seed of their own mutual respect had been planted and continued to grow.  More and more, they’d even been known to chat just because they wanted to, not because the social setting or family mandated it.

“You’re an angel and the devil all rolled into one,” he murmured with a playful wink.

Lilah chuckled softly, one side of her mouth creeping into a fond smile.  “Have to keep you on your toes.”

“You saved me some, didn’t you?” Tony’s breath tickled her ear with his conspiratorial whisper.  “And some of Joanna’s fudge?”

She poked an easy finger into the slight mound of his belly, the facets of her antique ring set glittering up at her when she twisted her wrist to deliver an extra dig.  “You know I did.” 

It had taken a while - several weeks, in fact - but he and her best friend had found their way as well. Once they realized the full extent of each other’s love for Lilah, they’d forged their own kind of friendship with Jo’s Million Dollar Fudge doing its fair share of the forging.

Their friendship was significant enough for Tony to enlist Jo’s expertise in executing a ‘surprise’ wedding last Christmas Eve.

When he off-handedly broached the possibility of marriage after Labor Day, Lilah had told him that she didn’t see the need.  They were back and forth between L.A. and Lexington, not always together, but it was okay.  He loved her, she loved him and she couldn’t possibly be any more content. 

He was content with that for a while, but started ‘casually’ mentioning marriage more and more often.  His argument was that theirs was the most significant relationship he’d ever had and he really wanted them to validate the significance with rings. 

That had been fine with Lilah.  She had no problem with commitment rings; it was the pain in the neck and practicalities of a wedding that turned her off.  City Hall felt cheap and tacky, but a traditional ceremony was complicated at their age and with their scattered family.  Weddings were a dog and pony show for the rest of the world and best left to the young and starry-eyed, in her opinion.

So they had chosen a beautiful antique gold and diamond wedding set for Lilah and a thick gold band for him.  Exchanging private vows of love and fidelity had made it ‘real’ enough for her.

Or so she thought.  Until the first time someone referred to Tony as her husband.  Given the rings, it was entirely logical that the guy changing the oil in her Camaro might ask if the car was hers or her husband’s.  The man was probably wishing his wife had such good taste in cars, for Pete’s sake, but it started to dig at Lilah. 

Not that she ever told Tony that.  She continued to assure him she was perfectly content with the status quo, because she knew that piece of paper would only legalize what was in their hearts.  That piece of paper hadn’t done her a damn bit of good before, why should it make any difference now?

But he knew her.  And he knew that her eyes lingered on the life-sized wedding photos in the window of the mall’s bridal store, even though her only comment was that she’d never seen him all dressed up.  Seeing as he wanted the same thing and that her best friend was a bridal consultant, Tony took all the work out of her hands.

On Christmas Eve last year, Lilah primped and prettied herself – wearing her hair up in a loose Gibson-girl style at Tony’s request – for a formal party at Joanna’s house.  He, dressed in a black suit and banded-collar tuxedo shirt, had ushered her into the black Camaro for their short trip.

Only they didn’t go to Joanna’s house. 

They went to Castle Post, Lexington’s very own medieval castle which acted as a hotel and event locale for the well-to-do.  When she asked what they were doing there, Tony’s response had been, “I want you to be my wife in every sense of the word.  You didn’t want the headache of planning, so I tried to be the white knight you once called me and rescue you from that.  Joanna orchestrated the whole thing.  Our friends and family are inside and Jo has a dress waiting for you – the one you’ve been ogling at her shop.  So whaddaya say, Bluegrass?  Will you marry me?”

Needless to say, she accepted with tearful eyes and a joyous heart.  After all, she was a girl underneath all that practicality. 

It turned out to be good timing, seeing as…

“Anthony.”  His mother’s voice captured his attention from behind and Tony turned with a smile. On her hip was a beautiful baby girl crowned with a downy fuzz of dark hair.  She was impatiently tugging at the hair bow that matched her little plaid pants and red shirt.

“Yeah, Mom?”

“I changed her diaper, but now she wants Daddy.”  Laughing, she tightened her grip around the little girl’s waist when she threw the full weight of her body toward Tony, pudgy little arms waving in the air.   “Don’t you sweet girl?”

An eerie chill of déjà vu crept down Tony’s spine as he released Lilah and stepped forward to claim his daughter. 

This was the recurring dream from last summer.  The baby his subconscious had recognized as being less than a year old was actually six-month-old Micah Jane Bongiovi, who had been graced with her mommy’s middle name and a modified version of her daddy’s middle name. 

She was the best part of both of them, in Tony’s prejudiced opinion.

“Hello, my pretty angel,” he cooed to the infant that had him wrapped around her chubby little finger.  “Did you wake up from your nap happy?  Are you Daddy’s happy napper?”

“Hey, squirt,” Jon greeted the child with a gentle chuck under her chin.  “You look more like your mama every day.  Thank God.”

“Don’t give her that!”  Tony smacked away the few cookie crumbs that his brother was ready to pop into Micah’s mouth.  “She’s too little for cookies.”

Much to his annoyance, Jon only snorted with ridicule.  “Lighten up, Papa Bear.  It ain’t gonna kill her.  Wait ‘til you have four of ‘em.  As long as they aren’t juggling knives or killing each other, you won’t care what they do.”

Tony’s eyes immediately connected with his wife’s and found a vivid question mark painted in their depths.  He parked the baby on his left hip, automatically doing that bouncy thing she liked and her gleeful babble made him smile. 

“You want to tell him, or should I?”  Lilah questioned softly.

“I got it.  Actually…”  He turned so that he was able to address his entire family at one time.  Lilah had told her family yesterday when they celebrated Christmas Eve with them.  It was only right that he be the one to tell his family – particularly Jon.  “If you guys wanna listen up just a second, Lilah and I have some news to share.”

Adults interrupted their conversations and shushed the kids until everyone had obediently directed their attention his way.  With Micah on one hip and, tucking Lilah into the other, he nodded his appreciation. 

“You know that we’ve been bouncing back and forth between Lexington and L.A. for a while now.  Lilah isn’t crazy about California and Kentucky isn’t the best base for me, from a business standpoint, so we’ve had to come up with a compromise.”

Lilah’s arm curled more tightly around his waist in a display of her unwavering support and he reciprocated without conscious thought.  This decision hadn’t been an easy one, but with their commitment to ‘no bullshit’, respect and a whole lot of love, they’d come up with what they believed to be the best middle ground for their family. 

“The first of February, we’re moving to Jersey.  We bought a nice six bedroom in Edison.”

There was a murmuring of happy surprise, especially from Romeo, Jake and Rocco, who were thrilled that Uncle Tony would be that much closer now.

“Isn’t that an awful lot of bedrooms for the three of you?” his dad asked curiously.

“Well…  Yeah, it probably seems like it.”  He couldn’t keep the smile from twitching at the corners of his lips.  “Andrew loves L.A. and his music career is looking promising, but we’re going to keep a bedroom for him just in case, and Lilah wants a couple of guest rooms.  Then our bedroom, one for Micah and the last one will be the nursery.  For the new baby.”

The smile he’d been trying to contain broke free when Lilah buried her cheek into his chest.  Her own grin was lighting up her face.  She’d been so damn excited to realize she missed her period a couple of weeks ago. 

Right after they realized she was pregnant with Micah,  Lilah confessed something that she’d been hiding from him for some time.  Apparently, she’d wanted to get pregnant as far back as Europe, but had been afraid to bring up the subject to him.

In hindsight, it was probably best that she hadn’t, because it would have freaked him right-the-fuck out.  Now, though, it was simply one more example of his wife’s sweetness.  She wanted him to have a child and wanted to be the one to give it to him.   

As far as he was concerned, from the instant he realized they’d lost a baby, Tony had known there could be no other woman to carry his babies.  If she was physically unable to, then he would simply be the best uncle and step-father he knew how to be.

But he was glad it hadn’t come to that.  Not only did they have Micah, now they would have a second little Jersey-Bluegrass.

“Congratulations, man,” Jon applauded him with a hearty pat on the back, prompting a startled cry from the baby.  “I think that’s great.  There’s nothing in the world like having kids.”

“Yeah, well, you might not be so happy about it when you hear the last bit of news.”

“Oh?”

Jiggling his daughter’s fussiness away, he apologetically met Jon’s eyes.  “I’m not going on tour with you this time.  I want to stay home with my wife and kids, so I’m changing jobs.  Bongiovi Brand pasta sauce is going to be my career now.”

“You’re up and leaving me?”  Jon’s mouth flattened into a tight line and cool blue eyes went narrow when he flipped his gaze to Lilah.  “I knew you were trouble the minute I saw you.”

Her shoulders tensed up like concrete along with her jaw, and her spine went ramrod straight.  Giving his wife a look that said he would take care of this, Tony opened his mouth to ream his brother a new one at the same time Jon’s mouth melted into a wide grin. 

“It’s a damn good thing you can bake.  I’m gonna need a lotta suckerpoodles to make up for this.  I’m talkin’ a LOT.”

Everyone in the room burst into a riot of assorted laughter and the love of Tony’s life assured Jon, “You’ll have all the suckerpoodles you can handle and then some.  I promise.”

And they lived…

Happily Ever After

Thank you for sharing Tony & Lilah's story.  I hope along the way you've found something to laugh about, cry about and maybe even think about.  As always, I appreciate the support and encouragement you all give me.  :o)

♥blush

75 - You Want to Know Why?

Tony stood out on the front ‘porch’, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the half-full moon.  The smell of honeysuckle mixed with the humid night air, reminding him of someplace far deeper South than Kentucky.  It also was the first time he’d made the connection between the fragrant flower and the scent that Lilah carried.  Her hair still held a sweet honeysuckle scent, despite her claims that she stank of antiseptic and old people.

Right now, she should be fast asleep.  At her insistence, they’d eaten their impromptu dinner at the maple dinette on the kitchen end of the open living and dining area, sporadically chatting as though nothing were out of the norm.  He was glad to hear of Richie’s offer to Andrew and silently hoped the kid was good enough to make his dreams come true.

Lilah ate about half of her food before claiming exhaustion, prompting Tony to send her toddling off to bed in her bare feet and wildly polka-dotted pajamas.  The woman loved color and bling.  Her living quarters were a testament to that. 

Nothing was tacky.  Far from it, in fact.

The candy-apple red walls in the kitchen complemented her apple tablecloth and kitchen accessories.  The slightly darker shade of red in the living area was the perfect accent for the Americana wallpaper border and the handful of knickknacks scattered amongst the blue denim and maple furniture.

The exception might be that damn bedroom of hers though.  He shook his head with a chuckle and flicked ashes over the railing. 

The walls were bright orange with the bottom half covered in lime green, hot pink and purple circles of various sizes.  The comforter was lime green and the sheets were purple.  There was even a small chandelier as her shot of sparkle.  It was a twelve-year-old girl’s dream room, but he had no idea how she slept with all the bright colors.

It was partially reason he gave himself for committing to sleep on the overstuffed couch.  That, and her need to rest.  She wouldn’t get any if he couldn’t keep his hands to himself, succumbing to the desire to touch the silky softness of her skin and wrap his arms around her.  HE might get the first good night’s sleep in three weeks, but he wasn’t the one whose body had been traumatized today.

Stubbing out the cigarette butt, he exhaled the last puff and checked his watch.  Almost one in the morning.  Seeing as he’d started his day at about eight, he wasn’t doing too bad, but it was still time to get some sleep. 

As soon as he checked on Lilah.

✧✧✧

“You’re beautiful,” Tony said, pressing a sweet kiss to the center of her forehead, and bending to share a similar kiss with the infant swaddled in her arms.  “And so is our baby girl.  Thank you for giving me everything I ever wanted.”

“I love you, Jersey, and I’d do anything to make you happy.”

Lilah tucked the little girl into the crook of her left arm, and picked up a glass from the nearby table.  Protruding from the top of the glass was a pink paper umbrella.  When she tilted it to her lips for a sip, the rum was so strong that it burned from the back of her tongue to the pit of her stomach.

Draining the potent drink in one healthy swallow, she replaced the glass on the table just as the baby started coughing.  Lilah’s heart raced as the sweet bundle went from rosy cheeked to blue lipped as she choked on some unknown object.

“Jesus Christ, Lilah, can’t you do any-fucking-thing right?  Babies can’t tolerate all that booze!  You’re going to kill her!”

Her eyes flew wide open and a sucking gasp left her lungs splintering with pain. 

It was her fault.

It was her fault their baby was dead before it ever drew its first breath.  She hadn’t known she was pregnant and…  that last night in Europe…  all those damn umbrella drinks….  Then just last week she’d been drinking again.

Tears puddled in her eyes and trekked toward the pillow, streaking across the bridge of her nose as she pulled herself into a fetal position. 

Pain was something she was familiar with in all of its varied forms.  Oddly enough, physical pain was the easiest to bear.  Physical pain was just something to get through.  It would go away. 

Emotional pain, though was… excruciating in its capacity to linger, crippling a person in ways that were abysmally cruel.  Lies would build on truths, twisting them into an altered reality that was larger than life.

And hadn’t she had her fair share already? When was enough enough?

Finding out that Walter had been running around on her was like a sharp ice pick stab to the heart.  Burying Amos and coping with the ensuing humiliation was like having the blood squeezed from her heart with an old-fashioned wringer.  Tony’s look of terror at her profession of love was more like a brief arrhythmia, but it was still painful.

Men were just hard-wired to mess with a woman’s heart.  That’s what they did, whether they meant to or not.  You got over it and got on with your life.

But an innocent baby who relied on Mama for its ability to live…?  A baby who was its daddy’s only child…  Lilah and Tony’s baby… dead before it ever really lived.

That shattered her heart into a billion irreparable slivers.

Her shoulders heaved on a strangled sob and she turned her face into the pillow, allowing it to serve as a vacuum for the sorrow that had finally found its way to the surface. 

She’d lost a baby.  A tiny, defenseless baby that might’ve looked just like his handsome daddy.  A precious little being that could have had her father’s smile.  Even more tragic to her was that this baby was the one thing she wanted to give Tony, but she’d felt too stupid to tell him that. 

That’s why you lost it, Lilah Jane.  You didn’t have the moxy to step up and put it all on the line.  You didn’t claim it, so Mother Nature stepped in to teach you a lesson.

“Bluegrass?  Are you in pain?”

A warm, heavy hand cupped over her shoulder and Lilah cursed both her weakness and his presence.  Tony didn’t need this.  This was Lilah’s baggage, and her pain was her own problem.

“I’m… I’m okay,” she mumbled, pushing her face further into the pillow and using it to inconspicuously wipe away the tears.

“No you’re not.”  The room went from a dark cocoon to blinding brightness with a flick of the bedside lamp, and he edged his hip onto the mattress beside hers, peering down at her with concern. “Do you need to go back to the hospital?”

“No.”  She shook her head and straightened out her legs, making room for him to sit.  While she was outwardly opening her body by unfurling herself, she deliberately closed her eyes, unable to look him in the face.  Not after she’d killed his baby.  “I’m fine, really.”

The tender way he brushed errant strands of hair from her forehead was in direct contrast with the angry growl that filled her ears.  “You can’t lie worth a damn on a good day, and today isn’t a good day.”

Hot teardrops stole out of her sealed lids, scorching misty paths down her face.  There was a solid lump of agony sitting in her chest and it knocked against angrily against the confinement of her ribcage. 

No, it wasn’t a good day.

“Bluegrass,” Tony sighed, using a hand to nudge her into the middle of the queen-sized bed.  While she was still ensconced under the covers, he stretched out on top of them, aligning their bodies from chest to ankle.  One strong arm draped over her torso and held tight as he shared her pillow, bringing them nose-to-nose.  “Everything’s okay, baby.”

His soft assurance, along with the sweet kiss he touched to her temple, destroyed the remaining shell of pride that kept her insecurities and shame hidden from the world.  He’d always known just how to get past her defenses and, this time, she was glad for it.  She craved the forgotten familiarity of his touch and shamelessly claimed it for a safe haven as she dissolved into puddle of grief.

“No it’s… not,” Lilah forced through lungs that wouldn’t hold air after she’d drenched the front of his shirt with her blubbering. “I killed…”  An anguished cry stuck in her already-clogged throat, and she had to whisper so that she could get out the rest of her confession.  “…a baby.  I d-drank too much...  I… did t-too much.  I di-didn’t do… enough.  Tony, I-I’m so… sorry.  So… so sorrr-ry…”

“Stop it.” His growl ruffled the top of her hair and he gave her an angry shake.  “You can’t blame yourself.  Sometimes things just happen, and this was one of those times.  There’s nothing you could have done to change it.”

“But I should have known!” she bawled piteously, shaking from head to toe as she stretched out his shirt by balling it into her clutching fists.  Her grieving soul ached until she thought she might die from the distress.  “I should have known our baby was living inside of me!  Why didn’t I know?”

“But you didn’t know!  You didn’t know and, even if you had, there’s nothing you could have done about it.  It wasn’t meant to be.”

That was another sharp tap of the hammer to Lilah’s brittle mental state. 

If that wasn’t meant to be, then you aren’t meant to be and we aren’t meant to be.  Fate played a fucking cruel joke on me!  I swear I think I would’ve rather never found my will to live than go through this.   

His grip intensified until it bordered on painful, but the physical discomfort was preferable to the emotional.  It was a tangible distraction and, along with his next tersely uttered tirade, it was enough to haul her from the mire of smothering self-pity.

“Lilah, you can’t do this, dammit!  How would you feel if I said it was my fault?”  Outright frustrated with her self-recrimination and dying a little inside at her obvious suffering, he shook his head with exasperation.  “I didn’t call, I didn’t text, I didn’t even fucking respond when you said you loved me.  Maybe that stressed you out and killed the baby.  Did you ever think of that?”

Tony had no idea his subconscious had created that scenario until he was heatedly counter-attacking her in the blame game, but it could be true.  Who the hell knew?   Only now was he able to admit that the lasting scars left by his first marriage had made him gun-shy of women.  Not of their bodies, obviously, because he could do ‘no-strings-attached’ with the best of them.  He just didn’t want anybody to see inside him and find his vulnerabilities.

But Lilah…  From the minute she’d looked into his eyes at the bar of that Dublin pub, she had seen exactly who and what he was – and she fell in love with him anyway.  That nervous, edgy woman who had awkwardly propositioned him within minutes of their first meeting had been trying to give him something else ever since. 

Happiness.

All he had to do was accept it.  If he hadn’t been so damned afraid of getting hurt himself, he would have realized weeks ago that she’d done exactly what she set out to do and 'saved' his life. 

But instead… now they were both hurt.

“It’s not your fault!” she staunchly declared, anger sparking in the wet blue-green depths of her eyes as she tried to wiggle away from him.  “Don’t say that!”

There’s my Lilah.  Hard as hell on yourself, but always willing to take care of somebody else.  So sweet, even if you don’t wanna believe it.

With a melancholy smile, he gently thumbed away the tear that hovered on her lower lid, saying quietly, “And it’s not your fault either.  Our baby just wasn’t strong enough to make it.”

Those two words – ‘our baby' – and claiming ownership of the lost child viciously knotted his stomach muscles.  He could easily find himself beside her in desolation, but what good was that going to do? 

Tony thought again of what his brother had said.  This wasn’t something he could make sense of and he would make himself crazy trying.  All he – they – could do was move forward.

“I’m still sorry.”

He slowly angled his head, kissing the needless apology away with an airy brush of his lips.  “I’m sorry, too.”

Her tears now dry, Lilah went softly doe-eyed from his impromptu kiss.  She silently put aside her faithful Shield of Apathy and let him see into her heart and soul.  

She still loved him.  Maybe more than anybody in his life ever had. 

Tony went back for another barely-there caressing of lips. 

And another.

Really, he hadn’t planned to kiss her.  His only intention had been to comfort and reassure her that everything was going to be okay.  That she was going to be okay. 

That intention was devoured by the soft sigh of his name on her breath.  When she slowly burrowed against him, lips parted with a soft mewling of pleasure, Tony intuitively responded.   The tip of his tongue slid between her teeth, skating over the rough velvet of its long-lost mate and he groaned, drowning in the unmistakable flavor of Lilah. 

It had been too long since he’d tasted her.  Too damn long.

Pure instinct had him taking the kiss to a more intimate level.  His hand came up to bury in the chocolaty locks at the back of her head, immediately finding the deepest of her scars hidden there.  He stroked it tenderly with his middle finger as he made love to her mouth, seeking the closeness that had been absent as long as she had. 

He hated that damn scar and what it represented, but at the same time, he appreciated what it had wrought.  Wishing it away would also wish away Lilah and,without it, he wouldn’t be here - finding solace and happiness in the touch of this very special woman. 

“Damn I’ve missed you, Bluegrass.”

Cupping her face, he silently basked in the reverent touch of her fingertips over his cheeks and lips as she took in each of his features before connecting her gaze to his.  “Have you?  I figured you found plenty of companionship in Sturgis.”

His thumbs lightly outlined the shape of her mouth, which was arched into a disdainful frown.   It didn’t take a genius to figure out where her mind was at.  He could answer the unspoken question with a single word, but Tony felt compelled to remind her of who he was... who they were... and who they would always be.

“You wanna ask me something, you ask,” he ordered with a gentle nip at the full swell of her bottom lip.  “Tour's over, but I’m still me, and I’m still not putting up with bullshit between us.”

Her jaw went tight under his fingertips, but she was only quiet for a heartbeat before voicing the question he could hear resonating in her mind.  “How many women have there been since I left your hotel room?”

Tony could play with her a little if he wanted.  He could ask if she wanted to know how many offers he’d received, or how many he’d accepted.  He could string her along and toy with her before giving his answer, but he really didn’t have the desire to.  They’d been through enough for one day, and he was ready to get to the good part.

“None.  I haven’t wanted anybody since you walked out that door, Lilah.”

He might be imagining it, but it seemed an awful lot like she was holding her breath when she cradled his face and inclined her head, whispering, “Then tell me why you’re here.”

Why was he here? 

Fate?  An uncanny connection with the woman snuggled into his arms?  A psychic knowledge that she needed him?  Just a plain old-fashioned desire to see her?  Any of those things may be true, but, ultimately, he now knew that they all tied back to one simple truth. 

He leaned close, resting his forehead against hers as he felt the sorrow of today morph into the joy of tomorrow. 

“Because I love you.”

74 - The Long Way Home

It was nearly eleven o’clock before the final discharge papers to release Lilah were signed.  By that time, she was groggy, exhausted and starved to death.  She would be hard-pressed to say which was more critical at this juncture – food or sleep. 

Even as hungry as she was, Lilah would probably peg sleep-deprivation as the greater of her two problems.  It had to be.  If she weren't a cat’s hair away from passing out cold, she surely would have put up more of a fight when Tony calmly stated that he wasn’t going anywhere.  Good grief, she didn't even say a word when he went on to declare that he would be taking her home and spending the night with her.  

Sleep-deprivation my ass, Lilah Jane.  The anesthesia hangover is just an excuse to let your defenses down.  You can’t stand to let him go again so soon.

Regardless of the truth in that, he may be the only person who wouldn't drive her crazy while ‘taking care’ of her.  Since he didn’t like to be coddled any more than she did, Lilah might actually be able to rest without being a nervous wreck over someone hovering around her apartment. 

The nurse applied the brakes on the wheelchair as Tony exited the white convertible parked at the ER entrance.  Circling the vehicle, he opened the passenger door and reached a hand to help her out of the chair, but Lilah just stared dumbly up at him. 

The anesthesia must be really hanging on strong.  With the exception of the paint job, his car looked just like hers.

“A 2011 Camaro convertible?  Seriously?  This is what you drive?”

For the first time since his appearance in Kentucky, Tony’s face transformed into that heart-stopping grin that she adored.  “I’ve only had it a couple of days, but what can I say?  We both have excellent taste in cars.”

“Okay Ms. Bennett,” the nurse addressed her kindly, cupping Lilah's elbow to help get her on her feet.  “Remember… bed-rest for the next twenty-four hours.  After that you should be able to resume normal activity, with the exception that the doctor noted.”

Nodding at the 'exception', Lilah shook down the pant legs of the borrowed hospital scrubs and shuffled to the vehicle’s open passenger door.  Abstaining from sex for the next week shouldn't be a problem.  She didn't think.

Her butt dropped into the soft leather seat with a quiet groan and she reached for the door handle, smiling wearily at the nurse.  “Thank you.”

“You awake enough to give directions or do I need to use my GPS?” Tony asked, sliding into the car next to her and dropping the convertible top as she fastened her seatbelt.  “I wasn’t paying much attention to landmarks on the way here.  Mind having the top down?”

“I still don’t really know how you found me, but I’m mostly awake and I love the night air.”  In the summer, any time after seven o’clock was one of her favorite times.  Temperatures cooled, but the air was still warm enough to comfortably celebrate the survival of another day while wearing a short-sleeved shirt.

The Camaro slid into gear easily under his masterful hand and he glanced over at her with the ghost of a smile.  “Me, too.   As for how I found you, I went knocking on your landlady’s door and she told me what she knew.  Easy enough.”

She snickered sleepily as her stomach growled with neglect.  That answered the how, anyway.

"Good Lord, I should've guessed.  Verna does tend to keep her finger on the pulse of the neighborhood."

"She seems very well... connected," he admitted with a grin.

Connected, indeed.  There was no doubt the old woman would be knocking on her door the next morning to get the 'offiical' scoop.

"Mm.  That still doesn't tell me why you're here. Oh, hey.  There’s a McDonald’s on the next corner.  Could you let me run in and get…”  Lilah's eyes fell to her empty hands, and then beyond, to the equally empty floorboard at her feet.  Smothering a sigh of disgust, she realized that her bitterly quarreling belly would have to be content with the cheese and crackers in the fridge.  “Nevermind. I don’t have my purse with me.”

“Do me a favor and don’t pull the stubborn pride shit, please.  You’re not running in anyplace and I’ll buy whatever it is you want.”

I love you.

It was weird beyond weird that thoughts of love came from his blunt degradation of the pride and independence that made up the very core of who she was.   She should be all kinds of pissed off and offended, but Lilah was clearly still stoned on sedation drugs.  As further proof of her altered state of mind, Lilah didn't even have a desire to argue with him about it.

“Okay.  Thank you.” 

After relaying their orders through the speaker and receiving the sack of burgers and fries, he guided the car back onto the nearly deserted road.  The quietness of late-night Lexington was broken only by the wind and the faint strains of Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You" bleeding out of the speakers.

How appropriate.

Lilah let her head loll on the headrest, slowly swiveling toward him.  The passing streetlights intermittently shone across the face that had been haunting her dreams every night and her stomach muscles clenched with more than hunger.  This felt like another one of those dreams, laced with confusion and foggy understanding.

Her eyebrows puckered and a mild annoyance pierced through the medicinal muzziness inside her brain.  “How many times am I gonna have to ask why you’re here before you give in and actually tell me?  Turn left at the next light.”

“I’m shooting for six,” he told her over the clicking of the Camaro’s turn signal as they waited for the light to change from red to green. 

An irrepressible smile quivered at the corners of her mouth when she caught sight of his teasing wink.  “You’re such a smartass.  I don’t know how I could have possibly forgotten that so soon.”

“Me either, since you’re just as bad as I am.”

Snickering lightly, she refused to validate that accusation with a verbal acknowledgement.  She didn't need to. They’d had more than one out-smartassing event during their time together.  “I can’t believe you restrained that part of yourself with Joanna.”

“What makes you think I did?”

Sneaking her hand into the fast food bag on her lap, she pilfered a fry and nibbled the end of it as the powerful car prowled around the corner.  “Turn right in two blocks.  Because, before she left the hospital, she said she could see why I liked you.”

Actually, she’d said that she could see why Lilah had fallen in love with him and that, physically, he reminded her a little of Walter.  Undoubtedly that information hadn't been relayed to Tony, and Lilah sure as hell wasn’t telling him.

“I didn’t say much to her at all.   My head was elsewhere, which was probably a good thing, seeing as I don’t do the polite game as well as you.”

“Third house on the right,” she directed, choosing not to go there.  This evening had been unpleasant enough without giving life to that discussion.  She preferred to dwell in a polite-game-free world when given a chance.  “You can pull in behind my car.  Verna doesn’t use the driveway.”

He pushed the gearshift into park and took the McDonald’s bag from her before hopping out and circling the hood.  When she put both flip flops on the drive way and pushed to her feet, Lilah bit her lip with discomfort.  Having had such a centrally located ‘procedure’, every movement was painfully magnified with the reminder of said procedure.

“Need help?”

As the car door closed behind her, she looked up into his face, down at his outstretched hand and then back at his face.  “I’m okay.”

The brightly shining lights mounted on the side of the garage made it easy to see the eyebrow that was arched in disbelief.  “You sure?”

She nodded again, but he still regarded her with a healthy dose of skepticism.

“Let me tell you how this is gonna work, Bluegrass.  I’m gonna have enough respect not to smother you with unnecessary help.  In return, you’re going to tell me when you need help.  No martyrdom.  No thinking you’re being an inconvenience.  Just ask.”  He dipped his chin to pointedly meet her eyes over the rim of his glasses.  “We on the same page?”

He made everything seem so simple.  There were no pretentious games with unknown rules with Tony.  He liked everything open and aboveboard -- no bullshit.  It was one of her very favorite things about him.

“Same page,” she agreed quietly, ready to weep with relief.  From the very beginning, she hadn’t had to play a role with him.  “Can I hold onto your arm, please?”

“Sure thing.”

The requested arm was presented without hesitation and Lilah slipped hers through the crook of the elbow, holding onto his bicep with her opposite hand.  Using him as a human crutch, she leaned heavily and took a ginger step in the direction of the thirteen lighted stairs that led to her apartment.

Climbing that simple flight of stairs took much longer than it normally did, but Tony exhibited untold patience with her one-step-at-a-time method of scaling them.  When they reached the small landing that held no more than a plastic porch chair and an overflowing pot of impatiens, Lilah was ready to collapse.

“Key?”

She nodded to the brightly painted “Welcome” sign hanging to the right of the door and released him to lean on the railing.  “There’s a spare in the back of it.”

In a moment’s time he had the lock open, apartment lit and Lilah ushered inside.  Taking a quick glance around, he zeroed in on the two doors at the back of the studio-style living room/dining room/kitchen.

“One of those the bedroom?”

“The one on the right.”

Dropping their dinner bag on the coffee table, he steered her toward the indicated door.  “How about you climb in bed and then I’ll bring your food?”

She glanced down at herself – baggy scrub pants provided by the hospital, flip flops and a pink t-shirt with fuchsia rhinestone lips on the chest.  She looked and felt like a vagrant.

“I’d rather eat at the table and take a shower before I get in bed.”

“Twenty-four hours of bed rest,” he reminded her.  “Can’t you at least do eight before breaking the rules?  Take your shower in the morning.”

Being up on her feet was becoming increasingly harder and, even as he ‘scolded’ her, Lilah felt her shallow pool of energy drain.  Her knees began to quiver just a bit and she curled clutching fingers around the bedroom door facing.

“That might be better,” she agreed weakly, pivoting carefully on her heel.  “But I need to go to the bathroom.  Could you get some pajamas and panties and toss them in to me?”

Under normal circumstances, she would be mortified to have anyone picking through her underwear drawer, but Tony had stopped being ‘anyone’ when he pulled her into his arms at the hospital.  Or maybe it was when he asked her to spare him the stubborn pride shit.  Whatever.  For tonight, anyway, he was… her person.  And she was going to indulge the flagrant delusion that he belonged here.

Tomorrow was soon enough to face the truth.

73 - Hello to Goodbye

He looked good.  Tired, as Dorothea had said, but to her Tony-hungry eyes, even exhaustion looked good on him.  Lilah would've told him that, too, if her vocal cords weren't rendered immobile by the unexpected phenomenon of his presence.  As it was, her tongue had atrophied and her dumbfounded lips could only gape in silent query.

This was one of those things that happened in movies. The timing was so absurdly uncanny that only a Hollywood writer could have scripted the scene.

With all the times I half-wished for you to appear out of nowhere and come back into my life, you had to pick NOW?  WHY now?

His whispery kiss over the back of her hand brought her back to life with a jolting shock that was comparable to any defibrillator machine they had in this hospital.  Her eyelids slowly blinked him back into focus until she found herself drowning in the tenderness that spilled from his eyes.  She didn't want his tenderness.  She couldn't handle it on top of everything else.

Ignoring the tightness in her chest, she somehow regained enough control of her faculties and her voice to softly ask, "What are you doin' here?"

"Lilah, I'm goin' out to the waitin' room and give you two time to talk," Joanna interjected smoothly, pressing her own kiss to Lilah’s cheek before vanishing from the bedside.

Oh God. She's leaving me alone with him?  I can't do this I can't do this. I... CAN’T... DO... THIS!

Her mind spinning like whirling dervish and her heart knocking against the wall of her chest, she still managed to remain expressionless, nodding dumbly as Joanna slipped from the room.  What other option did she have?  Anything else would paint her as a mentally unstable lunatic. 

It ain’t far from the truth right now.

Tony didn't know what to expect, but the detached indifference that Lilah held up like a shield of armor – as though she had to protect herself - hadn't even been a distant consideration.  That annoyed him, reminding him of their first few days together. That wasn't who they were anymore and they'd moved too far beyond that damned apathetic aloofness of hers to go back now.  He wasn't going to hurt her, for God's sake!

There are lots of versions of hurt, asshole. You don't think what you did in Lisbon hurt her? 

"I came to see you. Now tell me what YOU'RE doing here," he countered quietly. "What happened, Bluegrass?"

"But how did you know I was here?"

He swirled his thumb over the satiny skin of her hand and shook his head at the calmly detached question.  She still had that avoidance thing down pat when she didn’t want to talk about something.  If he had to guess, he'd say she was pretending that she hadn’t been brought here in a damn ambulance.

“I’ve spent the last hour wigged out because your landlady said you were unconscious and hemorrhaging.  Put me out of my misery and tell me what’s wrong, already.”

Her eyes locked on his for a split second, and he thought he saw a crack in Shield of Apathy before she quickly plastered over it.  “They haven’t actually told me for sure.”

Lilah’s heart beat a mile a minute as she concentrated on his touch.  The heat of his hand over hers was like a balm to her battered soul.  She shouldn’t derive this much pleasure from the simple scrape of his thumb over her knuckles, but she’d missed him.  So much. 

“Joanna said you were going to be fine, so it can’t be that bad, right?  C'mon, Lilah.  No bullshit."

'Fine' depended on your point of view, really.  It depended on who you were and what you wanted out of life.  Lilah might be physically fine, but her mind...  Well, it was going to take a long time before it was 'fine' again.

Lilah Jane, don’t be a damn drama queen.  Just tell him.

But if she told him, then she would have to stare it dead in the eyes.  It would become real and… Lilah’s eyes prickled.  She didn’t want it to be real.  Not like this.  Not ever.

Too bad.  It is real and he’s standing right here in front of you.  You may never have told him if he weren’t, but he is, so tell him already.  No fancy cliff-hanger speech, just say the words.

Clearing her throat, she flicked her eyes to the still-closed door before turning them to meet his, finding Tony's gaze was gentle and curious as he vainly sought access to the thoughts she was keeping hidden.  There was no doubt he knew she was hiding something.  He always knew.

Then tell him and be done with it!

“I had a miscarriage.”

His thumb went still and, before he could censor them, the questions racing through his mind paraded over his face as bold as blinking neon lights.  Miscarriage?  She had been pregnant?  With his baby? 

“You’re the only one I’ve been with in over a year, Tony,” she felt compelled to push past the lump in her throat.  The baby had been his, without a sliver of doubt.  She needed him to know that.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

Lilah withdrew her hand from under his to mindlessly crumple the edge of the thin hospital blanket.  She smoothed it back out again through a blur of tears, her lips quivering with restrained sorrow as the cruel fingers of reality poked painfully at her psyche.  The sharp, pointed jabs made her unable to stay emotionally removed from the situation.

Pregnancy implied rounded bellies, glowing mommies and squirming pink bundles of cuteness.  Little baby booties, first smiles, and first laughs.  Pregnancy was a nine-month celebration of life and everything that came with it.

Pregnancy had nothing to do with her.

“I…  I didn’t know.  Not until today.” 

A grown woman in her early forties who had always had an irregular cycle, Lilah hadn’t even paid attention when her period was late.  Why should she?  They’d used a condom every single time they’d… had sex.

Not true.  Remember the white Harley in the woods?  It wasn’t exactly a Boy Scout moment.  Nobody was prepared. 

“Ah, fuck,” he muttered on a weary sigh as the droplets of untold grief numbly slithered down her cheeks.  “Scoot over.” 

He bumped her hip with his, silently prompting her to wiggle closer to the IV pole on the opposite side of the gurney.  As he scooted in next to her on the bed, his arm crossed over her waist and an open palm pressed at the base of her spine, rolling her toward him.

After only the briefest hesitation, she looped embarrassingly clingy arms around his back.  Lilah hugged him for all she was worth, clutching at his shoulders and just… holding on.

She’d done this one other time.  In Istanbul, she had also selfishly absorbed the strength he offered from the safe haven of his arms.  He didn’t make her admit that she needed it, or him.  He just stepped in and replenished her own waning pool of strength with his gentle, rocking embrace.  

“You weren’t… supposed to be here,” was her watery accusation even as she dug desperate fingertips into the tight muscles between his neck and shoulder.  “I haven’t gotten used to the idea, so I can’t…  be rational about it.  I’m sorry.”

“You lost a baby.  Nobody said you had to be rational.”  His arms locked tight down and, for that moment in time, she was able to forget where she was and why.  There was nothing but Tony making everything better, the way only he could.

Thank you.  Whatever sent you here today…  thank you.

She had no more settled into the warm cocoon of his arms when a light knock at the door rudely burst her bubble of denial.  Lilah jerked in Tony's arms and a somber, forty-ish man in a white coat entered the room with his hand outstretched.  "Ms. Bennett, I’m Dr. Kaplan.  Okay to discuss your condition in present company?”

Easing up off the bed, Tony gave her a little space as, nodding, she swiped at her eyes and shook the doctor's hand.  Once the formalities had been addressed, he sidled back up to the bed rail and picked that same hand up again, locking her fingers tightly between his. 

“The ultrasound results confirmed the diagnosis,” Dr. Kaplan sympathetically commanded her attention from the foot of the narrow bed.  Consulting the chart he'd brought into the exam room, he went on to elaborate, “The bleeding you suffered was the result of a spontaneous miscarriage.  However, your body did not fully expel the tissue, so I’m recommending that we go in and evacuate the womb to make sure everything is cleaned up properly.  The good news is that, while the blood loss seemed – I’m sure – significant, I understand it’s under control now and you shouldn’t require a transfusion.  Once we can get the OB/GYN surgeon in here for the procedure, it should be fairly quick and painless.  We can still get you out of here tonight as long as you have someone to go home with you.”

Someone to go home with her?  Lilah’s fingers unknowingly buried themselves into Tony’s flesh as she sniffled, thoughts rapid-fire shooting through her limited choices of ‘care-givers’.

She could possibly go to Joanna’s, but she wouldn’t let Jo come to her apartment.  The stairs were almost too much for her on a good day, much less after the soap opera afternoon she’d been put through.

Andrew was an 'absolutely not' and so were here parents.  She didn't want any of them to know.

That left...  no one.

But she could always lie and say there was someone to stay with her.  Lilah would be fine alone.  She would probably even prefer to be alone until her head got back on straight.

“I’m not going anyplace, Bluegrass,” Tony murmured in the midst of her chaotic mental ramblings, quietly declaring her problem solved.  To the accompaniment of soft, soothing strokes of his thumb, he assured her, “I’ll stay as long as you need me.”

✧✧✧

Tony blew out a puff of smoke and put the lighter back in his pocket at the same time he withdrew his phone. 

He’d stayed with Lilah until they came to get her for surgery and then spoken briefly to Joanna on his way through the waiting room, woodenly apologizing that he wasn’t in the frame of mind to make small talk.  Obviously she knew why, because she didn’t show any inclination to push him.  When he told her he would stay and take Lilah home, she only nodded, saying that she would stay until her friend came out of surgery.

There was only a short window of time in which to take out his thoughts and feelings about this whole damn thing, play with them, put them in acceptable order and get back to a mental place that would enable him to take care of Lilah.  It wasn’t something he could do in his head, by himself.  He was going to have to call in a sounding board.  Someone who wasn’t a spectacular emotional crutch, but someone who could help him cut through the crap and see this situation for what it was. 

His big brother.

“Hey,” Jon answered the call on the third, nerve-jangling ring.  “I didn’t expect to hear from you until you got back to L.A.  You didn’t total your new car did you?  Because if you did, you’re calling the wrong fucking guy to bail your – “.

“Jonny,” Tony interrupted.  “I’m in Lexington.”

There was a resigned sigh that rattled over the line.  “Lexington?  As in Lilah, Lexington?”

“Yeah.  Do me a favor and don’t be a dick.  I have, like, ten minutes and I need you, not the shit you want to give me.”

In Tony’s mind, he could see Jon straightening in his seat and leaning to rest forearms on his knees so that he could listen more intently.  “Alright.  What’s up?”

“Short version?  Lilah had a miscarriage.” 

He heard a quiet indrawn breath sing over the line.  “I guess you think it was yours?”

“Yes, goddammit, it was mine,” Tony ground out without hesitation, annoyed that this had to even be mentioned as a consideration.  The only positive note was that his brother didn’t beat it like a dead horse, choosing to accept Tony’s word without further argument. 

“Shit.” The quiet epithet hung in the ensuing silence until Jon's next question was voiced.  “Did you even know she was pregnant?” 

“No.  God, no. She didn’t even know until today.”

“Damn.....  Okay......  So are you sorry you didn’t know?”

Was he sorry?  That was a tough question.  It would have forced him to face Lilah sooner, that much was certain, but he didn’t know if that was necessarily a good thing.  He… he thought was better off to have come to this place of his own accord.  What he felt for Lilah was what he felt for Lilah and it wasn’t influenced by anything outside of that.

And what is that, Tony?  What do you feel for Lilah?

He could only handle one thing at a time.  Coming to terms with Lilah’s… medical condition took priority if he was going to stay with her.  He couldn’t be flipping out when it finally hit him that they’d lost a baby.

An actual child.

His first and only.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he took another deep drag off of his cigarette as the feelings he’d bottled upon hearing the news tried to break free.  “I…  lost a baby today, Johnny.  I can’t wrap my head around it.”

“You won’t be able to,” his brother told him shortly.  Most people would say harshly, but those people didn’t know Jon.  He just cut through all the extraneous garbage to get to the heart of the matter.  Sometimes that meant he was a little abrupt.  “And you’ll make yourself crazy trying, so don’t.”

“That’s easy for you to say.  You have four kids.”  Tony had none, and it was bizarre to discover that a child, of whose existence he had been ignorant, had done a stellar job of creating an empty hole inside of him. A child who now no longer existed. 

No.  There was a likelier scenario responsible for that hole.  It was probably the side-effect of a rampant case of what could have been, and the revelation of exactly how badly he might want that. 

That. 

With her.

As soon as his lungs emptied of their current payload, another lengthy inhalation filled them again, burning away a good percentage of his remaining cigarette.  

“No,” Jon disagreed calmly, unaware of Tony’s inner turmoil.  “That’s easy for me to say because I can be objective.  You can’t.”

“You’re right.  I can’t.  So tell me what the fuck I’m supposed to do, then.”

“Alright, I will – as soon as you answer two simple yes-or-no questions.”

He mashed what was left of his smoke in the ashtray with a frown.  Two questions and he would have magical answers and guidance?  Okay.  He couldn’t be any more confused than he already was.

“Alright.”

“What you’ve gotta ask yourself is: one, do you want kids and two, do you love her?”

His subconscious responded to both with a single answer almost before Jon stopped speaking.  Tony apparently wasn’t as confused as he believed, because there was no weighing pros and cons.  There was no rationalization.  And why should there be?  Rules and regulations didn’t come into play with the desires of the heart.  Desires weren’t decisions to be made, but rather acknowledgements of the inevitable.

Kids?  He was smacked in the face by his childlessness every time he visited with his nieces and nephews, and he had to admit it was sometimes tough to take.  Hell, there had even been that goofy Christmas dream in Europe.  He could still visualize that dark-headed baby girl with her downy fuzz of hair and red bow.

And Lilah? 

He hadn’t put a name to it at the time, but he knew any doubts about his feelings were been removed in the instant he assured her that he wasn’t going anywhere.  Without any thought whatsoever, he’d known he would put his own life on hold and be there as long as she needed him.  Was that love? 

“Yes.”

“Yes, to which?”

“Both,” Tony clarified with a growing confidence, an easy peace blooming in his heart and spreading slowly outward to envelope his entire body.  “Yes to both.”

Jon chuckled quietly.  “Then there ya go.  Now.  Do you really need me to tell ya what to do?”

Nope.  His brother had been more than helpful, but Tony had it from here.

72 - Unwavering Uncertainty

Being an ER nurse took a special brand of patience, Amy Dillon often thought.  There was an eclectic clientele in the emergency room of Central Baptist and you never knew who was going to walk in with what stuck where.  She’d seen Nerf darts stuck up little boys’ noses, fruits and vegetables stuck in every orifice imaginable, and one time there’d even been a gerbil. 

Needless to say, people in pain weren’t always the friendliest of folks and nor were the family members that wanted their loved ones looked after.  Yes, there was a good deal of tact and understanding required, and occasionally a behemoth of an orderly, to keep things nice and peaceful in the ER.  She met a wide variety of people in her line of work from all different walks of life, but never one quite like the man who was barreling toward the exam rooms at this very moment.

“Excuse me, sir.  You can’t go back there!” she called, her finger on the ‘Bubba Button’, as she liked to call it.  Bubba was the biggest and most intimidating male employee in the unit, and from the looks of the stressed-out man whose arms were covered with tattoos, she might be needing his help.

To her surprise, the man, spun right around, his flip flops sliding on the shiny tile floor as he made a beeline for her.

“I’m looking for Lilah Bennett,” he informed her tightly.  “She would have been brought in by ambulance about an hour ago.”

Amy’s head cocked incrementally to one side even as she put on her most polite and professional smile. 

How very interestin’.

She had gone to school with Lilah Bennett – or Lilah Hall, as Amy still thought of her – and they had graduated the same year, along with Lilah’s first husband, Walter. 

Lilah had always been the smart one in the class.  Not geeky-smart like the class valedictorian or salutatorian who studied night and day in an effort to come out on top.  No, Lilah was one of those people that was just…  Well, smart.  She didn’t have to study or spend hours on homework to be the first one finished with a test – and have the highest score. 

Amy, along with about everybody else, knew what had happened to Lilah last summer and felt so doggone sorry for her that she couldn’t stand it.  The poor girl just couldn’t pick a good man if her life depended on it.  This fella in front of her looked like another fine example of that.

“Are you family?”

“No.”

“Then I’m afraid you’ll have to wait out here.”

His mouth went flat and hard inside the dark goatee that covered the lower half of his face and he leaned forward on the desk.  Bubba was not out of the equation yet.

“Can you tell me if she’s okay?  Is she alone?”

No, she wasn’t alone.  Joanna Johnson Wilson was back there with her.  She had graduated from a neighboring high school the same year as Lilah and Amy.

“I can’t give out information on a patient,” she told the man whose accent placed his origin firmly above the Mason-Dixon line.  In reality, she knew exactly what was going on and, even if she were at liberty to say, she wouldn’t tell him anything.  Where had Lilah Jane found this guy?  “But she’s not alone.”

 “Who’s with her?  Joanna?  Andrew?  I wanna talk to whoever it is.”

So Mr. Tattoo knew who the key players in Lilah Jane’s life were.  It made Amy all the more curious, even as she decided Lilah might want to know this guy was here.  Especially if he was who Amy thought he might be.

“I can’t give you that information either, sir.”  When he looked ready to pitch a holy fit, she felt a little sorry for him and relented a bit.  “But I can go back and tell them you’re out here.  What’s your name?”

Belligerence faded to reluctant acceptance with a single huff.  “Tony.  Tell her it’s Tony.  Thank you.”

Tony.  Tony Soprano fit pretty appropriately, she thought.  She could see this guy in the mob, even though he wasn’t wearing a sports coat and polo shirt.

Offering him her sweetest Southern smile, she promised that she would be right back.

✧✧✧

The sick feeling that had taken up residence in the pit of his stomach as he stood on that crazy old lady's porch wasn't going away.

There had been no mistaking the flicker of pity behind the desk nurse’s smile when she unbent enough to announce his presence to whomever was in the back.  She knew exactly what was going on with Lilah and it wasn’t good.

That thought was reinforced about five minutes later when a petite woman with an obvious limp emerged from behind the double doors that hid the exam rooms.  The auburn hair clipped on the back of her head was starting to come down around her bespectacled eyes and her plastic smile didn’t do much disguise the tension and worry lines in her face.

“Tony,” she greeted him with firmly starched politeness and a nod as he rose from the unforgiving waiting room chair.  “I’m Joanna.”

“How is she?” he demanded, jamming impatient fingertips into the pockets of his jeans.  He felt no need to engage in pleasantries with Lilah’s best friend.   Maybe he could eventually learn to like her, but based on Lilah's melancholy at the end of every phone call the two had exchanged in his presence... he didn’t have much use for Joanna.

“She’s…  They’re running another test, but she’s going to be fine.”

Fine, huh?  That didn’t explain the watery eyes that she had to blink clear when she couldn't meet his gaze, choosing instead to look at the blue and white linoleum squares at his feet.  Fine must have a whole different meaning here than it did in the rest of the world and he had no patience to scope out their weird-ass dictionary.

“I want to see her.”

Joanna seemed to deliberate her answer as she lifted her chin to give his face a thorough once-over.  Almost as though she were committing them to memory, she closely inspected his eyes, the set of his jaw, and the undoubtedly harsh line of his mouth.  Each feature was analyzed and digested in turn as the squared outline of her shoulders went rounded, sagging a bit under some kind of invisible pressure.

"I'm only asking to be nice," he informed her quietly.  "I WILL see her one way or another."

A spark of something flickered in her eyes and her head dipped in resigned acquiescence.  “I would imagine Lilah’s going to want to see you, too.  She's in Room 6, but I’ll come back with you to find out the test results.  Afterward I'll come out here and give you some time alone.”

Her intentions made clear, she turned her back on him.  That sharp pivot on her heel had her headed back back in the direction from which she had come, leaving him to follow behind - or not.

'Not' wasn't an option for him.  This was a mission he needed to accomplish.  It gave him a sense of purpose, rather than sitting around with his thumb up his butt waiting for someone to feed him an inkling of information.  No matter what he found in Room 6, it was better than not knowing.

Sucking in a deep breath, he extended his stride so that he arrived at the secured entry at the same time as Joanna.  Tony reached for the handle, nodding his appreciation to the desk nurse who served as the gatekeeper and granted them both access and a sympathetic smile.

As they passed through the double-doors that hid a honey comb of exam rooms, an unexpected chill rattled his spine. There was something ghoulish about a hospital, he had always thought.  Pain and agony hung in the air like a curtain of desolation as people lay suffering and dying in beds that were merely feet apart.

Nobody’s dying, he censured himself as they walked by the five examination rooms leading to Room 6. Even if it sounds like they are.

An old man gave a bone-rattling cough in the first room, while a child sobbed for her mommy in the next.  Number three had a big burly guy cussing at the top of his lungs as he held a bloody compress to his head.  Four ensconced an eerily-still woman who had to be in her nineties and, lastly, number five was blessedly empty.

It was a welcome relief to step inside the third room on the right.  The door that remained standing wide didn't offer any buffer, but the sounds of the damaged and maimed dulled by half, muffled by the thin walls.

His eyes swept over the room, anxious to see her, but Lilah was nowhere to be found.  The big, empty spot in the center of the floor indicated that the bed assigned to this room was missing as well, telling him that she wasn't back from whatever mysterious test was taking place.

Joanna settled into one of the two straight-back chairs with a grimace, silently offering him the other one, but Tony chose to stand.  Backing into the farthest corner of the room, he leaned his hip into the cabinet housing the small sink and folded his arms restlessly over his chest.

“What happened to her?”  Being here hadn't done anything to assuage his anxiety so far.  He still didn't know anything.  The landlady had been more forthcoming than Joanna or that nurse.

“Well… They haven’t said for sure,”  Lilah's friend hedged, crossing her legs.

“But you have a pretty damn good idea.”

There was a slow bob of her head as she confirmed his suspicion.  “But it’s not my place to tell you.”

His mouth was open to inform her in no uncertain terms that he didn’t give a flying fuck whether she thought it was her place or not when an orderly appeared in the doorway.  The slight young man was steering a Lilah-laden gurney, backing it head first the room as he chattered to his passenger.

Tony's breath became painfully lodged in his throat.  He had only caught a glimpse of her face as the bed was maneuvered into place, but it was enough to tear him up inside and render him immobile.

She was pale, her smattering of freckles standing out like ink splotches against her fair complexion.  The blue and white hospital gown did nothing to help create the illusion of a healthy glow.  Red-rimmed eyes were closed and her silky chocolate waves were splashed all over the institutional white pillowcase.

That infamous smile he loved so much was nowhere to be found.

“Hey, honey,” Joanna sidled up to the bed, curling her fingers around Lilah’s delicately veined hand while carefully avoiding the IV needle implanted there.  The liquid coming through the line was clear and he assumed it was some kind of saline drip or something.

“Hey,"she returned hoarsely.

The orderly made his mandatory rotation around the gurney, securing the wheel brakes before offering an encouraging smile and a light pat to Lilah’s shin.  “There you go, Ms. Bennett.  I hope you’re feelin’ better real soon.”

“Thank you.”

“How was the test?” Jo prodded quietly as soon as the boy had gone.  “Is it…?”

Lilah’s hair scraped against the pillow with a nod.  Her voice was hollow and devoid of emotion when she elaborated, “They didn’t actually say, of course, but you could tell.  I could tell.”

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”

While Joanna wrapped her in a tight hug, Tony marveled at the weirdness of it all.  Here he was, hanging in limbo as to Lilah’s condition, yet her soft Southern drawl washed over him like a warm summer day and…  he felt …  Right was the only word he could come up with.  He felt right for the first time in weeks.

I had no idea how much I missed you, Bluegrass.

It was enough to unfreeze him from the statue-like trance he'd fallen into when she was wheeled into the room.  He took one step and then another, gradually moving through her blind spot at the back corner of the bed.

“Lilah,” Joanna murmured, hearing his footsteps and breaking the hug.  She brushed the hair from her friend's forehead with a sad smile.  “Somebody’s here to see you.”

“Dammit, Jo, I told you not to call Andrew!" was the immediate quarrel she got.  "I don’t want him worryin' about this.”

The fact that she didn’t want her son made aware of her hospital visit didn't surprise him.  That was the Bluegrass he knew – stubborn and determined not to be a bother. God forbid anybody care enough about her to worry, because wouldn't stand for it.

This time, though, she was out of luck.  Tony cared enough... and he would worry all he damn well pleased.   

Gliding soundlessly up to the bed rail, he reached forward, curling his fingers around the delicate, ice-cold hand resting at her waist.

“It’s not Andrew, baby.  It’s me.”