57 - The Wheels on the Bus

“I’ll be fine right here.  I can always email and browse my way through the new concert pictures on Facebook.  Go hang out with your friends.”

The bus, whose passengers did include Mike Rew, had just begun trolling its way toward Switzerland, and Lilah was still uncomfortable with Tony’s blunt opinions that had been offered over an hour earlier.  If he would give her a little space, she could digest and stuff it away, leaving herself free to focus on the more positive aspects of here and now.

Go join your fun-lovin’ crew.  Go play poker with the two or three in the back.  If you don’t wanna, then go shoot the breeze with the ones sprawled out on the couches in the front.  Please.

The hard-working group was worn out, yet hyped-up at the same time.  Three in the morning to them was like five o’clock to a banker, meaning it was time to relax, have a drink and unwind from the work day.  It didn’t seem to matter that they were going to be up again in six hours starting all over again.  Their habits were deeply ingrained.

And Lilah didn’t feel up to shoe-horning herself into those habits.  And why should she?  It wasn’t like she was ‘marrying into the family’.  She was strictly an overnight visitor.

Yes, it was easier to let Tony do his thing without her and use those few minutes to regroup.

“You’re my friend, too,” he pointed out, arms crossed over his chest.  Those same crossed arms were within a cat’s hair of also touching her chest, so narrow was the passageway between the cubbyholes that passed as beds.  “And why do you need to look at concert pictures?  You see those guys almost every day now.”

She shrugged, acknowledging the truth of his friendship statement but mentally brushing it under the rug.  “The shots of Jon and Richie together can be priceless.”

“You want me to take your picture together with them?”

Part of her stood up and squealed like a professional fan girl, but it was just a tiny part.  That hadn’t been flying anywhere near her radar and, even if she did want that, she would never ask him do it.  It felt too much like taking advantage. 

“No.  I want you to go have a drink and shoot the breeze with your friends while I enjoy the efforts of the amateur Jovi photographers and email a couple of friends.  Seriously.”

“Get your lard ass outta the way, TBJ, I need another beer.” Mike interrupted with the subtlety of a drill sergeant, trying to make his way from the poker game to the kitchenette.  His sudden, loud presence scared the beepers out of Lilah and his wise-cracking comment grated on Lilah’s nerves.

Jersey boys don’t play polite, especially with each other.  It’s just the way they are.  Don’t pay attention to him. 

Although Tony immediately side-stepped, it didn’t keep him from uttering a bland, “Fuck you,” as Mike made his way through the ‘hallway’ of eight bunks.  As he slipped by, he gave her that dreadful I-know-something-you-don’t-know grin of his.

She really didn’t care much for him.

“I’m crawling into this wonderfully luxurious bed.” she told Tony softly, glad she’d already donned her penguin PJ pants and sleepshirt.  “Go.”

“Alright,” he acquiesced with only a tiny creasing of his forehead.  “I’ll be there before you fall asleep.”

With the curtain pulled closed, Lilah was ensconced in the bottom bunk closest to the “Poker Room”.  She fired her phone screen to life as a loud groan vibrated the walls.  Someone must have lost a hand. 

She shook her head ruefully, hoping that it wasn’t Tony as her finger flipped to the email icon.  As was her custom, she sought out her friends to vent her mixed emotions and confusion.  This time, though, she didn’t need the sweet supportiveness of Angel, she needed Morgan’s brand of tough love. 

That’s what had her bypassing Angel’s email in her inbox, choosing to read it after she dashed off a quick note to Morgan.

July 14, 2011

TO:  Morgan_Prince

FROM:  MissLilahJane

I need your help.  Tony said something a little while ago and it’s bothering me.  Please live up to that disclaimer you’re always spouting about being a bitch.  Be honest…  Am I one of those ‘sweet’ people?  The kind that makes me feel like a dreadful ogre because I know can NEVER be like that, even if I tried??  I’m physically incapable!!

Tony’s insisting that I’m ‘sweet’ and says he’s never seen me put myself first.  I would totally blow it off to the fact that he barely knows me, but he called me a dumbass yesterday, which means he sees at least some of the real Lilah.  If I didn’t put myself first, how could I possibly be in Europe? 

I know you’ve called me ‘nice’ before, but that’s different than being a simpering dolt whose entire life is about spewing compassionate words and making the world a better place with kindness. 

Tell me the truth.  I can take it.

Nodding with satisfaction, she reverted back to Angel’s email.  The woman’s online perkiness always pulled a grin from her.   She often wondered if she was as perky in person.  If she was, there would be a pair of pom poms perpetually tied around her neck.

July 14, 2011

TO:  MissLilahJane

FROM:  aussie_angel

Hi hi Matey!  I was so glad to see you pop up in my inbox.  I've been wondering how things are going with you.  Can I just say it's still shocking to me that YOU have turned into a biker babe??  LOL! This trip to Europe has been quite the adventure for you!

So, do you want my take on Tony's irrational behavior?  No?  Too bad! :P 

Tony is a man.  And as such, he is also a horse's ass!  They just can't help it!  They react without thinking.  It’s a stupid man thing.

What this whole thing tells me though is that he is seriously falling hard for you, Lilah.  Eeeeeeeee!!!!!  The fact that he even FELT jealous of you talking to that crew guy tells me how much he is into you. !!!!!!!!!!!!  *butterflies*  Go easy on him, Lilee.  He's a love sick puppy.  :D  !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to hear from you soon!  I MISS YOU!

Be safe.  Wear your helmet!  ;)

<3

~A~

PS)  I'm trying not to be a jealous bitch when I hear that you were hanging out ON STAGE!  Was the white mic up there?  Pictures????

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lilah dismissed the “seriously falling hard for you” as though it had never been typed.  Her passport didn’t entitle her to cross into La La Land, no matter how well-intentioned her friend was being.

Moving to the post script, Lilah wrinkled her nose with regret.  She didn’t have any pictures.  It hadn’t even crossed her mind.  Odd how it had all become second nature in such a short time.  Lilah was no longer blinded by the stars in her eyes when surrounded by the Bon Jovi “stuff”, but she would have to at least document her trip a little more thoroughly.  She owed it to her friends.

She was pleased to see that Morgan’s reply had already come through, giving her a reprieve from making that apology right this second.

July 14, 2011

TO:  MissLilahJane

FROM:  Morgan_Prince

Interesting question.  I would say you’re nice AND sweet.   As a general rule I don’t run with people who are mean and act like they’ve been weaned on a pickle. 

However – and remember, you asked for 'the truth' – IMO, your lack of putting yourself first has nothing to do with being nice or sweet.  People take advantage of you because you tolerate abuse well.  You don't 'do' confrontation so you 'do' passive instead.  Standing up for yourself is a trait you're lacking.  (I got your dose I think.)  And when you DO get a little irked it’s based on layers upon layers of crap being heaped upon you.

I don't see that as nice or sweet, honey.  Tony may see it that way because maybe he's not a controlling, manipulative dick.  (His brother prolly got his share *chills*).   He says you don't put yourself first???  I think that's because it's easier for you to love the life everybody else makes you live rather than CREATE a life of your own choosing.

Sorry, baby....but you asked.

Lilah let the phone drop to her chest and stared at the ceiling of the small bunk, tears momentarily blurring little fold-away television screen parked there. 

The response she’d been looking for was that she wasn’t any sweeter than anybody else.  That she was just a regular person with good traits and bad.  Not that she was a puppet without enough bravery, gumption, intelligence…  whatever… to make her own life.

Nice to know what people really think of you.

Feeling her spirit slowly slink into the shell she kept on hand for just such an ego-blow, Lilah tucked the phone in her pocket and rolled toward the wall of the bus.  She really needed to learn to be more careful what she asked for.  After this many years of living in the same head and body, she should know she wasn’t as tough as she liked to believe. 

You’ve got no right to have your feelin’s hurt.  Just like Morgan said, YOU asked.

And she’d wanted to know.  She’d wanted the honesty, but it was going to take a couple deep breaths to ease the sting.  From experience she knew it would fade quickly, but the inadequacy Morgan’s email stirred would never disappear.  It would simply be added to the already brimming pot Lilah kept covered with a big tarp so that it didn’t mock her every minute of every day.

How are you goin’ to share such close quarters with a man who unknowingly lit the wick of this little meltdown, Lilah Jane?  You’d better find a way to put a Band-Aid on your psychological issues before he crawls in here.

✧✧✧

“I’m out,” Tony avowed, standing and taking what was left of his money.  He was about ten bucks down, but the distraction of the poker game was well worth it.  It had given him a chance to stifle his frustration with Lilah so that he didn’t keep beating her over the head with her screwed up self-perception until they ended up in a verbal brawl. 

Mike snorted and grinned up at him, eyes glinting evilly through the black horn-rimmed glasses.  “Wuss.  You afraid I’ll take the rest of your cash?”

That was another subject he’d gotten distracted from in his irascibility.  Why had she asked specifically about Rew’s presence on the bus?   He was going to have to ask about that.

“I have a bunk calling my name.  I got no need to line your pockets any more than they already are.”

“Bunk.  That your pet name for the half a’ pork chop you’re still chewin’ on?”

“Watch it…” Tony quietly warned his friend, the other two men at the table being sole reason he stopped at that.  Bus drama was taboo, and Lilah was only feet away.  Inside voices were a must.

Rew chortled as he shuffled the deck, unconcerned about the other crew members.  “I can barely keep myself from laughing every time I see her, remembering that first night in Dublin.  You didn’t want anything to do with her and she was scared of her own shadow.  Funny how things change, ain’t it?  And how any trace of a pork chop just vanishes?”

“There aren’t – and never were – any fuckin’ pork chops,” he virtually growled.  “Grow up already.”

Lifting a careless shoulder as he dealt the next hand, Mike flicked his eyes up.  “Me grow up?  Take a look in the mirror, man.  It takes the ignorance of youth to believe that you’re walkin’ away from this chick at the end of the month.”

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, and I don’t feel the need to educate you.”

Fanning the cards in his hand, Mike’s strawberry-blond head slowly shook from side to side.  “Whatever you say, boss.  That top bunk over hers is empty, so you don’t have to double up.”

An empty bunk was good.  Not that he was going to sleep in it.  As peeved as he’d been with her earlier, he still wanted her beside him.  And with that empty bunk, maybe even on top of him…?

“Nah, I’m good.  Thanks anyway.”

Mike and both of the other guys were laughing when he turned his back on them in favor of the woman waiting in the bottom bunk.