63 - Do or Die

Rolling onto his right side, Tony reached out with a searching hand to find the bed empty.  He pushed onto his elbow while cracking sleepy eyes open, squinting at the rumpled pillow and blankets.

She’s gone.

Pushing all the way up to a seated position, he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, rubbing away the sleep haze and reached for his glasses. 

The light in the room was still dim, so he thought it was early yet.  A quick check of his phone confirmed that it was only seven o’clock, but he couldn’t remember what time she said her flight was leaving.  No matter when her plane was scheduled, his male pride had a hard time swallowing the fact that she’d simply left with no goodbye. 

He twisted around, the sheets tangling at his bare waist as he stretched for the bedside lamp.  The additional light brought with it a creepy sense of relief.  It allowed him to see that her suitcase was still standing wide-open by the wall, and her laptop and charging cord were strewn across the desk from her use of them yesterday afternoon. 

She’s in the shower.

Without stopping to analyze his thoughts or put a name to the reason for his sudden feeling lightness, the covers were thrown back and his feet hit the floor.  He only stopped to dip a hand into his duffel before quietly twisting the bathroom doorknob.

We’ve never done it in the shower….

✧✧✧

Lilah braced her forearm against the front wall of the shower, her head tipped back as the hot water sluiced over her shoulders and torso.  The pink tint of her skin probably meant she was scalding herself, but she didn’t much care.  The discomfort was a distraction from her aching head and heavy heart. 

 Don’t make this maudlin, Lilah Jane.   Distance yourself from the situation and get through it with your head held high.  Now…  Do you have everythin’ packed?  Boardin’ pass printed? 

She would get through it with her head held high.  If she could say goodbye and walk away it wouldn’t be so bad.  The ‘I love you’ thing, though…  That had her troubled.

No, she didn’t have to tell him and risk rejection.  A heartfelt thanks accompanied by a quick peck on the cheek would suffice before she scuttled out the door.  Then she could be on her way and slowly unpack her repressed thoughts and emotions somewhere over the Atlantic. 

But you’re hopin’ for…  What ARE you hopin’ for, Lilah Jane?  Love, marriage and Tony with a baby carriage?

A baby…

Pregnancy hadn’t been one of her favorite times of life and motherhood hadn’t come easy to her.  Maybe it was escapism, but she liked to think if she’d had a stronger partner, parenthood would have been more of a joint venture.  Poor Andrew got stuck with an overwhelmed Mom trying to do the best she could. 

Tony would be a strong partner.  His multiple phone calls to his nieces and nephews over the last couple of weeks had shown Lilah how involved he was in their lives and how he strived to be a positive role-model.  He was always asking if they were keeping up with their summer reading, being good for their moms and keeping their rooms clean.  The man deserved to be a father.

Then you should’ve offered him the opportunity to be one.

“Hey.” 

Lilah spun around with a squeal when the shower curtain was swept aside with an abrupt ‘whoosh’.  Slapping an open palm to her chest, she let her chin fall to her chest and tried to calm her rattled nerves. 

“You scared the hell out of me!” she muttered crossly, lifting her face to huff at him.  “You aren’t supposed to sneak up on naked women in the shower.  Haven’t you ever seen Psycho?”

His grin was unrepentant as he left his glasses on the vanity and joined her under the steaming spray. 

“Damn, that’s hot!”  Reaching around her to adjust the water temperature, Tony dropped a distinctive foil packet in the soap holder and bent to brush his mouth over hers murmuring, “Sorry.  I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Stomach clenching into knots of desire, Lilah defensively pulled her arms into her torso, battling the instinct to slither them around his waist and kiss away the droplets that had beaded on his lips.  She was supposed to be preparing herself to leave him, not losing herself to him again.

“What are you doin’, Tony?”

Wet fingertips slid easily under the arms that she had tucked close to her body, gliding across the underside of her breast.   “What’s it look like I’m doin’, Lilah?  We’ve never had sex in the shower, and I don’t wanna leave here with regrets.”

Aren’t you glad you didn’t tell him, now?  He’s already movin’ on.

He touched his lips to first one corner of her mouth, then the other.  The kisses were steamy, yet sweet, barely tickling her skin.  It was just enough distraction to persuade her arms to go lax, giving him full access to her body.

“I thought you might like that idea,” he chuckled softly, still dotting her face with kisses even as his big palms skidded over the drenched flesh of her waist, torso and breasts.  A rough thumb abraded her nipple while that damnably delicious tongue of his coaxed its way into her mouth. 

Who the hell was she kidding?  She couldn’t resist whatever he had to offer and she opened herself, hungrily accepting him as the water prickled her skin.  His kiss was returned with fervor and she plastered herself against him, scraping her nipples against his as he palmed the weight of her bottom and agitatedly dug his fingers into the pliant flesh that quivered under his touch.

“Touch me,” she begged shamelessly, peppering kisses over the hidden dimple in his chin.  “Touch me everywhere.”

It was al the direction he needed.  After that moment, there wasn’t an inch of her that went neglected as he sought out the erogenous zones he’d become so proficient with during the last weeks.  The sensitive under-curve of her breast, the inside of her elbow, the crease of her thigh...Tony manipulated her body as effortlessly as the video board he’d commanded for most of his adult life.  It required no concentration or thought on his part to draw the purrs, whimpers and moans that choreographed the soundtrack of her sexuality. 

Under any other circumstance, Lilah would have shot off like a roman candle when his condom-sheathed hardness split her open.   This time, though…  She couldn’t let herself go.  She couldn’t keep her conscious self from knowing this was the last, last time.  She had to memorize every graze of his rough hands, every breath that heated her skin, every sound, every… everything.

“Come for me, Bluegrass.  Give it up for me once more.”

His seductive dictate caught her unaware, further solidifying that this was it.  The end. 

Her strangled sob came from nowhere as did pools of moisture under her eyelids.  It was all she could do to convert that pitiful sound into a moan that might – just might – pass for pleasure.  He didn’t slow in his efforts and Lilah buried her face in his shoulder and blessed the tepid shower spray that would disguise any obstinate tears leaking free. 

It felt so good...  He felt sooooo good...  But her mind just absolutely wouldn’t let her body go.  The damn stubborn grip on reality cruelly held her back when she wanted nothing more than to cross into the beautiful fairy tale land of Orgasmia, eager to complete her lovers’ tryst in the way God intended. 

The harder she tried, the further away she found herself.  Each conscious thought of ‘do it’ didn’t ‘do’ anything but fuel a desperation that made her even less responsive to his ministrations.  He kept egging her on, coaxing her.  Expecting the payoff he had every right to expect.  Why shouldn’t he?  He’d earned it dozens of times and, by God, he would earn it this time.

She had no other choice.  She wouldn’t disappoint him.

For the first time ever in his arms, Lilah faked it.

“Jersey!  Jersey!  Oh God…  Jersey…”

✧✧✧

Tony tossed his shorts into the battered duffel, the soft ‘plop’ very nearly the only sound in the hotel room, save Lilah’s own packing noises.  Both had been curiously quiet since their shower interlude.

Which is one of the worst ideas you’ve ever had.

He was man enough to admit it.  He fucked up the end of their affair.  What he’d expected to be one more hot and sexy romp added to repertoire had degraded into a soggy, lackluster encounter.

Because you couldn’t get her off and, rightfully so, it short-changed your own enjoyment. 

It was true.   Yes, his ultimate goal had been achieved, but he may as well have jacked himself for the amount of satisfaction he got. 

Tony was a smart man and, in the past month, he had swiftly racked up an encyclopedia’s worth of carnal knowledge on the woman he’d claimed as his lover.  He would lay odds with any bookie on knowing Lilah like nobody before him ever had.   He was intimately familiar with every subtle tell offered by her body as it approached, sailed through and wound down from an orgasm. 

And, the hard, cold fact was that they simply hadn’t been there this time.  The impassioned cries meant to convince him were nothing more than hollow words that rankled against his male ego.

If they had been headed anywhere beyond the next three hours, he would’ve pushed her against the shower wall and demanded to know why she’d cheated herself that way, and why she had cheated him.  Their no bullshit clause would’ve been invoked to its fullest until she leveled with him and replaced her faux-gasm with at least two more of the genuine article.

But they weren’t going anywhere except two different airplanes with two different destinations.  He was headed to L.A. just long enough to change clothes and hook up with his buddy, Troy, for the trek to the week-long Sturgis, South Dakota  bike rally.  Then the Hamptons for a week and a cross-country trip back to L.A.  She was on her way back to Lexington, Kentucky and the life she’d made there.

So he’d seen no benefit to making matters worse with a uncomfortable confrontation.  Tony had just taken the disappointment and added it to the melancholy already brewing between them.

“I think that’s it.” 

At her quietly proffered statement, he looked up from the wardrobe of neoprene cases that he was using to swaddle his camera equipment.  Her suitcase and laptop bag were parked by the door, leather jacket draped over the handle and her little purse slung over her shoulder.  She was wearing the same jeans and sunshine yellow shirt that she’d worn at the after-party that night in Dublin.

As it began, so it ends.

Lilah rocked back on her sneakered heels and held her chin proudly aloft.  Both hands were nervously tucked into her back pockets while her heart trilled at a rate fit only for a humming bird. 

Don’t you DARE have a damn heart attack, Lilah Jane!  Do not disgrace yourself by droppin’ dead at his feet!  Lordy, could anything be more embarrassin’?

Yes, actually, it could.  Stupidly declaring her love to a man who recoiled with disgust or whose eyes filled with pity.  Those could be infinitely more embarrassing than leaving this life with a thin thread of hope still intact. 

“Your plane leaves at noon?”

Not trusting the painfully contracting muscles of her throat to carry the confirmation, she simply nodded.  Tony’s plane didn’t leave until two o’clock, which meant Lilah would be going before he did.  She should be leaving for the airport now, in fact.

He returned the nod and guided his bare feet over the carpeting to stand before her.  When those wide man-hands cupped over her shoulders, she had to harshly order her eyelids to remain open and her face to remain passive.

“I can’t remember the last time I truly enjoyed being on tour.”  His hands slid away from her shoulders so that he could enfold her in his arms lingering hug.  Turning to touch his lips to the temple left bare by her ponytail, he murmured, “Thank you, Lilah.”

Sweaty palms slid from her pockets around his back, returning the hug at what she deemed an acceptable rate of return.  That meant without a clinging desperation, but with enough force to convey some level of emotion.  Face shielded from his view, this time she gave herself permission to hide behind shuttered eyelids as the tell-tale signs of tears began prickling in earnest.

No.  You will NOT cry like some pre-pubescent teen at a Justin Bieber concert.  That isn’t socially acceptable today, Lilah Jane. 

“I meant what I said last night,” he continued to speak quietly, holding her caged in the warm confines of his embrace.  “Don’t let anybody take that swagger from you.  Not Andrew, not Morgan, Joanna, Angel…  Nobody.  You deserve to wear it Lilah Jane Bennett and you wear it SO damn well.  Being sweet is good, but don’t forget to be sweet to yourself.  Promise me.”

Goddammit all to hell.  How am I supposed to not cry when the tough Jersey boy goes all tender on me? 

“Tony…”

His hold never abating, he gently shook her and his quiet timbre took on the slightest edge of a growl.  “Don’t change the subject!  Just promise me, Lilah.”

I love you.  My God, do you have any idea how much I love you?  I didn’t want to.  I didn’t plan to, but you understand me on a level that I’ve never experienced before.  How can I KEEP from loving you, no matter how much it hurts me…

“I promise,” she whispered, arms going a little tighter around his back as she came to a decision.  “We don’t do bullshit, right?”

His sudden stillness gave her a moment’s pause, but she’d stepped out now.  That first step was a big one and it scared the hell out of her, but there was no turning back.  She was going to finish what she started.  What had to be finished.

“No bullshit,” he agreed gruffly, his caged grip going lax and inviting a sliver of light and space between them.   Calling upon the fledgling piece of backbone she had managed to cultivate on the second half of this trip, she succeeded in not cowering away from his gaze.

“I can’t leave without telling you something.  Something that I should probably apologize for, because it never should have happened, but it did….”

Now or never.  Do or die.  Spit it the fuck out.

“I love you, Tony.”

Forever. 

Forever plus two weeks, three days, six hours and fifty-two minutes. 

That was exactly how long it would take Lilah to forget the shadow of terror that dropped over his face like a macabre veil.  It was a terror which was immediately replicated in the icy fingers that pierced her heart with five distinct holes – one for each icicle tip.

“I don’t expect anything from you,” she assured him hurriedly, keeping her voice soft so that it wouldn’t crack behind the contrived smile that she hoped actually looked like a smile instead of a painful grimace.  “I just couldn’t leave without telling you.”

Popping up on her toes, Lilah touched the corner of his mouth in a final, whisper-light kiss and backed out of his boneless grasp to shepherd her luggage together and open the door. 

If she had expected him to say “stop” or “don’t go” she would have been profoundly disappointed.  For the first time since meeting him, Tony was completely silent.

Still yet, she willed herself to turn and look into his chillingly blank face one last time.  One last time before they reached the final period after the last letter in the last word on the last page of her fairy tale dream.

“Thank you, Jersey.  For…  everything.  I’ll never forget you.”